– How sharper than a serpent’s tooth it is, To have a thankless child – and the words swam. What was the point?
Abandoning any hope of sleep, she tried to study through the night. Her head ached and she felt sick all the time. Her dad, sensing something was going on, tried to jolly her along: ‘Exams won’t last for ever, and then you can burn your books.’
‘She’ll do no such thing,’ her mother retorted. ‘She’s still got her A-levels to do.’
Janet pretended to be going to a friend’s and went to the doctor’s to ask if they could give her something to help her sleep. The doctor was very sympathetic, said she had a lot of people with exam nerves, but generally it was better to let nature take its course. A regular routine was good, no tea or coffee in the evening. At that point, Janet had burst into tears. The doctor calmed her down, asked if there was anything else. Janet considered telling her about Veronica, but decided it would sound crazy.
The doctor gave her a week’s supply of sleeping pills. Take one at bedtime. Get you back in the habit. They worked, pulling her down into a black velvet tunnel. But after the week was up, it was the same as before, lying there with the light on, her limbs rigid, the pictures rolling through her. Then it was her first exam.
She couldn’t go in the gate. She couldn’t do it. If she had to go and sit in the silent hall with the sound of the clock ticking and other people’s breathing and the pictures in her head – the disgusting thoughts in her head, Veronica with worms in her mouth – Janet knew all that stuff inside her head would escape. She would lose control, turn her desk over, shout obscenities, tell them all it was her fault.
And so Janet stood, humming with tension, while the pupils streamed into school. While the clock struck nine and the invigilator told them to turn over their papers. While her fellow pupils printed their names and began to read through the questions. She stood, cold and shaky. Where could she go?
‘Janet?’
Ade from down the road. Lower sixth. ‘You lost?’ He smiled, his little joke.
She began to shiver.
‘Shouldn’t you be in there?’
‘I can’t, I can’t…’ she stammered. Words failing. Janet failing.
‘OK.’ He came closer, concern in his face. But not fear. Why wasn’t he frightened? If he knew what she was thinking… She bit her knuckles, rocking forward.
He put his arm around her, it felt warm across her shoulders, safe.
